Desert Rose
by Kattie
Summary: After a mission, Quatre seems to lose his will to live. What happened on this mission? And what will Quatre do to ease the pain? complete
1. The Madness Called Now

Desert Rose  
Chapter One: The Madness Called "Now"  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and "Art of Life" both belong to people who are not me. ;_; But… but… I own the words that aren't X-Japan's! None of the names or characters except the very insignificant (well actually- significant with small parts) characters! Yay! I own something!   
  
Information: This is a song fanfiction to the song "Art of Life" by X-Japan. If you like this fanfiction and X-Japan, I wrote a songfic to "Forever Love" as well ^.~. Lyrics are enclosed by asterisks! *lalallala* see?   
  
Warning: Major angst! Not kidding here! More than one chapter for a song fanfic (the song's like 29 minutes! I can't fit it into one chapter!) Hinted shounen ai- but nothing more… yet. Very confusing fanfic at first, all will be explained! Stay tuned for further warnings ^.~  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide! Rest in peace!   
  
  
  
"What gives you the right to live? The right to kill me, so you can live? I'm a person too. I have a family, a home, a life… or I did. Not anymore."  
  
  
*Desert Rose  
Why do you live alone?*  
  
  
Trowa watched Quatre burrow deeper into himself. Something had happened and he wouldn't tell anyone. He'd just stay lost in whatever had happened, letting himself grow more and more depressed.   
  
Yet, all the same, he said he was perfectly fine. That they were overreacting. But Quatre had that wrong. When it had to do with Quatre's welfare, they could never overreact, because he would never take anything bad seriously, as long as he was the only one hurt by it.  
  
Still, this time he looked more hurt than ever. He couldn't hold back the tears this time. His beautiful pale face was stained with tears that had a hidden meaning. It was time to try again.  
  
"Quatre." Trowa said, walking up to his melancholy friend.  
  
Quatre looked up at Trowa and forced a weak smile. "Hello, Trowa. How are you?"  
  
"Fine." Trowa answered flatly. "You?"  
  
"Me?" Quatre sounded almost surprised. "I'm fine." Although his smile broadened, his eyes remained emotionless. Hallow shells of the beauty that had once been entrapped in them. And then, the smile was gone again, and Quatre began looking ahead again, to the memories that were hidden behind those empty eyes.  
  
He'd never tell Trowa. Because Quatre Raberba Winner was someone who lived through his sorrows alone. Who didn't want to burden anyone else with his problems.  
Even if it tore his heart apart.  
  
  
*If you are sad  
I'll make you leave this life*  
  
  
Mentally, Trowa took a deep breath. "Quatre, you need to tell us what's wrong. We're worried about you."  
  
Trowa had wanted to see emotion in his blonde companion's eyes again, but he'd never wanted it this way. Quatre's eyes were painted with an extreme sadness that Trowa had only seen once before, when an old woman found out her son and his family had been killed in a shuttle, as casualties of war. But what could make Quatre that sad?  
  
"There's nothing wrong, Trowa," Quatre replied, his voice trembling despite his obvious efforts to speak clearly, "It's just-" He cut himself off with a sigh. "Don't worry about it. It's nothing."  
  
Putting a hand on his friend's shoulder, Trowa asked the question that had been on his, as well as the other pilot's, minds since he'd began acting this way, "Do you need to stop piloting the Gundam?"  
  
The mixed emotion that fell upon Quatre's face made Trowa want to shoot himself for asking. There was the sadness from before, but now there was hurt and desperation. And something Trowa had never seen within Quatre before. Something inside Quatre was now broken and Trowa feared he'd never be able to repair it.  
  
"No," Quatre said finally, casting his gaze on the floor, "I'll be fine."  
  
"We do need you," Trowa replied quietly, "But your health is more important right now. If you need some time… we understand."  
  
"I don't need a break, Trowa," Quatre explained, "I'll be fine. I just need to think about some things."  
  
  
*Are you white, blue or bloody red?  
All I can see is drowning in cold grey sand*  
  
  
With those words, Quatre's emotions became unreadable again. The mask Quatre had learned to adopt in these times covered the pain Trowa had just seen. With his skin so pale, this left Quatre looking like a china doll. This porcelain face made it impossible for Trowa to understand what was wrong.  
  
Not that he could understand before…  
  
  
*The winds of time  
You knock me to the ground*  
  
  
"Quatre," Trowa said again, knowing he couldn't bear leaving Quatre alone like this, "I-"  
  
"Please, Trowa," Quatre interupted, "I'm sorry, but I need to be alone right now."  
  
Trowa nodded, but stood by Quatre anyway, still unable to leave his friend alone. Not like this…  
  
Quatre's eyes fell upon the tall brunette, with a gaze that could see deep into Trowa's chest. He felt like any secrets he could have would now be revealed to the azure-eyed boy.  
  
"I need to be alone, Trowa." Quatre repeated.  
Still Trowa stayed, frozen like a deer in headlights.  
  
Tears began making their way down Quatre's face again. "LEAVE!" He screamed, as he began sobbing.  
  
"Alright," Trowa said quietly, "I'll be in the other room."  
  
The small blonde curled up into a ball as Trowa disappeared through the door. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"  
  
  
"Selfish, that's what you are! You think you're the only person in the world. That people like me don't count. We're just like a sandcastle on a beach. You push us with the waves of your hatred until finally we come crashing down and wash away. Selfish."  
  
  
  
Short, yes, they might all be short. But I thought this was a good place to end. Please review! Reviews make me happy ^____^  
  
Reviews= Inspiration= Quicker chapters! (If you hated this you could just… not review… instead of flaming ^^* Make me happy? ^_______^?) 


	2. Drowning

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter Two: Drowning  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: hold up "Art of Life" by X-Japan This does not belong to me. holds up Gundam Wing This doesn't either. holds up neko-chan This does.  
  
Warning: Major angst! Hinted shounen ai- but it may become more later. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows  
  
  
  
"What gives you the right to live?"  
  
  
  
*I'm dying of thirst I wanna run away*  
  
"I'm sorry," Quatre repeated again to the empty room, "for everything."  
  
Quatre knew he couldn't contain the sadness, the confusion within him much longer. Time was running out and soon his self-control would shatter with a new flow of tears. But Quatre could never tell them what was troubling him. He couldn't tell them what he was learning through the deaths of other soldiers.  
  
Because, as much as he tried to call it a lie, he wasn't entirely unsure it wasn't the truth. And that scared him more than anything else could ever hope to.  
  
In truth, Quatre wanted to take a break from piloting. He wanted to leave this world of bloodshed and secrecy. To run away from all the problems that came with it.  
  
Selfish.  
  
More importantly, Quatre wanted to run away from these new feelings. To leave behind this unexpected confusion. He wanted to be certain of things again. But that was an impossibility. If he could just keep the situation inside of himself for a little while longer, maybe, just maybe, he could overcome it.  
  
*I don't know how to set me free to live My mind cries out feeling pain*  
  
The words he had heard so often in his nightmares echoed through his head for the thousandth time. Those cursed words that had caused him to question his existence, to question everything around him. To question himself.  
  
With the memory came the pain, as strong now as it was then. The pain of a thousand heartaches, the grief of knowing ones one death, the fear of what was to come next, and regret. It was so strong, it folded Quatre into a lifeless state, unmoving on the floor.  
  
He wasn't quite sure if he was breathing or even if his heart was beating, but he was scarcely aware of someone screaming. It took him a few minutes to realize it was himself.  
  
*I've been roaming to find myself How long have I been feeling endless hurt?*  
  
Trowa burst back into the room and dropped to the floor next to Quatre. "Quatre?" He asked. "Quatre, are you alright?"  
  
Biting his tongue, Quatre forced the scream to end. His dead eyes stared up at Trowa. "F-fine." He stuttered. "I j-just need to go. for a w-walk." With that said, Quatre lugged himself up to his feet. "I'm sorry."  
  
"I can't let you go alone." Trowa said quietly, trying not to make eye contact with his friend.  
  
"I need to be alone." Quatre replied, taking a step towards the door. "Need to go for a walk. Please."  
  
The helplessness in Quatre's tone scared Trowa. Not knowing what had caused this was tearing him apart. How could he help Quatre if he didn't know what was ailing him? "Alright," Trowa said at last, "But be careful."  
  
With a slight nod, Quatre left the room and began walking and walking, intent on continuing this until he finally came to a conclusion.  
  
As he roamed the streets he began to wonder when this all began. When had he become so unsure of everything? How long had the pain lived in his heart?  
  
* Falling down, rain flows into my heart In the pain I'm waiting for you*  
  
At last exhaustion set in. The pain washed over Quatre with the tiredness of living and before he knew it he was lying on the ground. "Trowa." he said softly.  
  
* Can't go back  
  
No place to go back to*  
  
  
  
'No,' He told himself, 'I can't bring this emotion back to them. I can't let them worry about me any more. I can't make them suffer from my selfish- "  
  
"Selfish, that's what you are."  
  
The memory interrupted his thoughts. A memory he tried every day and every night to forget.  
  
"I can't go back," Quatre thought aloud, "Not until I figure this out."  
  
*Life is lost, Flowers fall*  
  
Try as he might, now that the memory was once again unearthed, he couldn't take it from the front of his mind. The words echoed over and over, unable to be forgotten, or even replaced. The memory of a man who no longer lived. A man who thought he should have lived.  
  
"I want to see the cherry blossoms of spring again."  
  
* If it's all dreams Now wake me up If it's all real Just kill me*  
  
'Maybe he was right,' Quatre said to himself, 'Maybe I am just a killer. Do I really deserve to live after what I've done? Do I really want to live with what I've done?'  
  
More than anything, Quatre wanted to just curl up into a ball and sleep until finally one day he woke up and learned this was all a dream. A horrible dream of fearful possibilities. But dreams never hurt this much.  
  
  
  
End of Chapter  
  
  
  
Please review if you have the time. 


	3. Falling Down

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter 3: Falling Down  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing. Is this a big surprise?  
  
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai- not much, but it may become more later. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows  
  
  
  
"You know what the saddest part is? When I'm dead you'll go home and brag to your friends. 'Yeah,' you'll say, 'I killed a man today'."  
  
*I'm making the wall inside my heart I don't wanna let my emotions get out*  
  
"Are you all right?" A feminine voice asked.  
  
Quatre looked up tiredly and offered the woman a weak smile. "I'm fine, thanks." He took a few seconds to secure a mask that concealed his confused emotions. "I just tripped. Sorry."  
  
The woman nodded and walked back to her male companion. "He says he's okay." She said to him, trying to be quiet so Quatre wouldn't hear.  
  
"I don't know why you bother," The man answered, "This colony's really gone to the pits. Drunks everywhere!"  
  
'Drunk?' Quatre thought. 'I wish I were drunk. Anything to get rid of this.'  
  
With that last thought, he closed his eyes and went to sleep on the cold but comforting pavement.  
  
* It scares me to look at the world Don't want to find myself lost in your eyes*  
  
Trowa looked down the alley, attempting to find his friend. Quatre had said he wanted to be alone, but Trowa just didn't have the heart to leave him in solitude, not in this condition. "Quatre!" He called out to the night.  
  
Walking out of the alley, Trowa continued his search for his friend, though he was starting to think this was futile.  
  
A young couple sauntered by, talking to each other.  
  
"You really shouldn't worry about him, my dear. Apart from a throbbing headache in the morning, he'll be just fine."  
  
"Do you really think so, Vincent? He looked like something else was troubling him. I've seen drunkards before, but he seemed sober to me."  
  
"He said he was fine, darling. Maybe he really did trip? We just came at the wrong time."  
  
"But... he fell asleep..."  
  
"Just tired. I'm tired too. Why don't we stop worrying about him and get home. It's late."  
  
"...All right, dear. If you're sure."  
  
They nodded to him and the woman smiled kindly as they passed. Trowa watched them leave for a minute before sprinting in the direction they'd come from. 'Oh God, Quatre, please be all right.'  
  
Quatre wasn't too far away from where he'd met the couple. It only took Trowa a few minutes to reach his unconscious friend. "Quatre?" He said quietly, as he took Quatre's head onto his lap. "Are you all right?"  
  
Quatre's eyes rolled open slowly, and they looked straight into Trowa's. Funny, he'd never realized how pretty Trowa's eyes were before. Like shimmering emeralds. "You have... beautiful eyes..." He said, his mind clouding up.  
  
* I tried to drown my past in gray  
  
I never wanna feel more pain*  
  
  
  
"Quatre, what are you doing to yourself?" Trowa asked, helping his friend to his feet. "You need to tell us what's wrong."  
  
"I'm... cleansing myself... of the memories," Quatre explained, "After I'm done, nothing will be wrong."  
  
"You aren't going to survive, at this rate," Trowa replied, "You need to take better care of yourself."  
  
"You keep telling me what I need to do..." Quatre struggled a few steps forward. "But none of those are what I really need to do... I need to get rid of this pain. This is the only way I know how."  
  
"Is committing suicide your way of ending the pain?" Trowa asked, becoming angry with his friend.  
  
Quatre thought about this for a moment. "Is that the only way?"  
  
* Ran away from you without saying any words What I don't wanna lose is love*  
  
"Quatre, you can't be serious." Trowa couldn't believe what he was hearing. These words couldn't possibly be coming from Quatre. From the cheerful boy who had taught him to love. It couldn't be possible that Quatre had lost all of his happiness so quickly.  
  
A small smile came to Quatre's lips as he looked Trowa in the eyes again. They didn't say anything for a few minutes. Quatre lifted his hand and brushed Trowa's bangs out of his eyes, grinning all the while.  
  
"Quatre...?"  
  
Without warning, Quatre took off running, away from Trowa. It took Trowa a couple moments to realize what had happened, before he went sprinting after his friend. 'No, Quatre,' He thought, 'I can't lose you...'  
  
* Through my eyes Time goes by like tears My emotion's losing the color of life*  
  
This was the fastest Quatre had ever run, but then again, Quatre had never run out of pure desperation before. He couldn't let Trowa catch up with him. His legs seemed to understand this and became more powerful. Instead of screaming out in pain from the speed, they seemed to laugh and push themselves harder.  
  
Time seemed to slow down for Quatre as the tears began sliding down his cheeks. Even as he ran his hardest, he knew that somewhere, deep inside, in the farthest corner of his heart, he wanted Trowa to catch up with him. He wanted Trowa to grab his arm and drag him back to the safehouse. But his legs seemed to disagree.  
  
Even if he were back with Trowa, he'd only drag him down. Trowa deserved better than a souless body. No, they all deserved better. The world deserved better than to deal with such a-  
  
"Murderer. You use a prettier word. Trying to fool yourself. But we all know what you are. You're a murderer."  
  
* Kill my heart  
  
Release all my pain*  
  
'Trowa's right,' Quatre thought, 'There is only one way to destroy this pain. He was right. If my heart stops beating, how can it feel any pain? I won't have to feel anything at all.'  
  
'Not even love?'  
  
*I'm shouting out loud Insanity takes hold over me*  
  
"I'm sorry!" Quatre screamed to the starlit sky. "I'm so sorry!"  
  
But it had to be done. If they knew the strength of this pain, they'd only agree with him that this was the right thing to do. If they only knew.  
  
'I'll self-destruct,' Quatre decided, 'Then my Gundam will never fall into the wrong hands...'  
  
**  
  
Trowa wandered aimlessly through the night. "Quatre!" He called out again. There was no reply, not that he expected there would be.  
  
There was nothing he could do. He'd have to go back to the safehouse and pray Quatre came back. Or maybe the other pilots would help him search. Anything was better than this.  
  
"I want to see the cherry blossoms of spring again..."  
  
End of Chapter  
  
Please review, if you have the time. 


	4. Insanity Takes Hold

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter 4: Insanity Takes Hold  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing. Is this a big surprise?  
  
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai- not much, but it may become more later. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows  
  
  
  
"What gives you the right to live?  
  
*Turning away from the wall  
  
Nothing I can see*  
  
Panting from exhaustion, Trowa pulled his pained body onward, through the safehouse. His eyes searched their range of vision for the other pilots and, upon finding they were not in this room, forced him to continue through the house. His mind was screaming at him to hurry, knowing that the longer he took, the less chance Quatre had of survival.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity of walking, Trowa finally found himself in the company of his fellow pilots. "Did Quatre," He managed between breaths, "Come back?"  
  
There was a silence formed by the fading of hope. Trowa stared at his friends and they, in turn, stared right back.  
  
"We thought," Duo answered finally, "He was with you."  
  
A shadow seemed to fall over the world. Every ounce of light left in this dark universe disappeared, in Trowa's eyes. It was almost as though he could hear an angel screaming as it fell from Heaven to the depths of Hell. He could only pray that it wasn't his angel. "He ran away from me," Trowa explained," I thought maybe.. He came here."  
  
Taking a deep breath, Duo managed to speak a question he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to. "How was he," He asked, "when he left? You don't think he would.." Duo's voice trailed off. It didn't need to be finished.  
  
Setting himself down slowly in a chair, Trowa tried to calm his thoughts. "He was.. Talking about committing.." It took Trowa a few seconds to continue, fearing what he was saying could actually happen. "Committing.. Suicide.."  
  
Duo sighed and began tousling his hair nervously. "Damn."  
  
"That stupid-" Wufei began. He fell silent as he began thinking the remaining words, knowing that they didn't need to be said aloud.  
  
There was constant clicking as Hiiro typed madly on his laptop. He didn't say anything and didn't seem to have heard what had just been spoken. "He's in his Gundam." He said out of the blue.  
  
The safehouse was empty within seconds.  
  
* The scream deep inside  
  
Reflecting another person in my heart*  
  
Quatre could feel his heart pounding. He could feel it in his chest and his head in the form of a headache. There was a fear growing inside of him. The fear of ending. Even though it seemed like the only thing to do, he couldn't help be afraid. After all, he'd never died before.  
  
Not in this lifetime, anyway.  
  
The thing was, Quatre didn't really want to die. He wanted to live, to help end this war, to help his friends, to be with Trowa. But this emotion was so strong. It seemed stronger than duty, friendship, and even love. It was stronger than Quatre.  
  
Everyone knows sadness. In everyone's life there comes a time or, usually, many times, when a person is emotionally hurt in some way. No one can ever truthfully say they've never been saddened by something or someone. It is a powerful emotion, playing opposite happiness and often sponsored by love and friendship. People write poetry and dramas about this sorrow. In music, it even has a genre: the blues.  
  
What Quatre felt was beyond sadness. It was beyond sorrow and desolation. Beyond depression. This new emotion, triggered by loss, confusion, and pain, was far stronger. It was a collage of despair, hopelessness, self- hatred, and hurt. Few people ever feel this emotion and those who do usually end up dead. There are very few situations which create this complex feeling.  
  
One such situation is similar to this:  
  
A woman, having just lost her husband in a car wreck, buys a bottle of vodka and, predictably, becomes intoxicated. The next morning she wakes up with a pounding headache and bloodstained hands. She doesn't know how the blood got there or where it came from. In fact, she can remember nothing from the previous evening.  
  
As she walks through her house, she finds her victims to be friends who came over to take care of her in this time of loss. She stares at her hands in horror and tries with all her might to remember someone else committing these murders. But the blood is on her hands and her steak knife is protruding from her best friend's chest.  
  
'Why?' She mentally screams at herself, 'Why did I do this?'  
  
There is no answer and the pain greatens. Because this was not her doing, it was her sorrow, mixed with alcohol.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The other pilots hurried to their own Gundams and took off into space, following their lost comrade.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
* He calls me from within  
  
"All existence you see before you  
  
Must be wiped out :  
  
Dream, Reality, Memories,  
  
And Yourself"*  
  
It wasn't Quatre who was piloting Sandrock. Just like the previously mentioned woman, his emotions were acting on their own, forbidding Quatre to do anything by his own free will. It was speaking to him with a familiar voice. The voice that haunted his every moment.  
  
"With my death, everything will end."  
  
"No!" Quatre shouted back, "Everything will end for me, but for no one else!"  
  
"There will be nothing."  
  
Everything had to end. The voice was telling him what he needed to do and it was so hard to disagree with it. "No!" Quatre yelled again. It didn't matter what Quatre thought anymore. Sandrock was listening to the voice.  
  
Then again, with nothing, there could be no pain. The nightmares would finally come to an end. Quatre would no longer have to live with the truth of what he had done. He would no longer have to remember that fateful day. There would just be nothing.  
  
It sounded peaceful.  
  
* I begin to lose control of myself My lust is so blind, destroys my mind*  
  
"He's completely lost control." Hiiro observed. "He can't handle the Zero System with such strong emotions."  
  
Trowa watched his screen in fear. Sandrock was jerking in spastic motions, as if two people were fighting over the controls. Over the communication system, he could hear his beloved screaming.  
  
"No!" Quatre repeated, his voice filled with despair.  
  
It tore Trowa's heart out.  
  
*Nobody can stop my turning to madness  
  
No matter how you try to hold me in your heart*  
  
"Quatre!" Trowa called out, hoping maybe his voice might bring Quatre back.  
  
"T-Trowa.." Quatre stammered. "I'm sorry."  
  
As Quatre spoke, his face appeared on the screen. It was hard to see him, though, the screen seemed to be smeared with some kind of liquid. Judging from Quatre's red eyes, it was most likely tears.  
  
"Don't be sorry, Quatre." Trowa said, "You haven't done anything wrong. You just need to come back now."  
  
"I'm sorry, Trowa," Quatre said again, "B-but I have to.. There's nothing I can do.."  
  
"What's wrong?" Trowa asked, wanting desperately to hold Quatre in his arms, "If you tell us, it will be okay."  
  
"No!" Quatre yelled, slamming his fist against the screen. The image was distorted for a moment, showing many Quatre's, all with bleeding hands, before turning black. "You need to leave," Quatre's voice continued, "Everything's going a..way. I don't want you to..become nothing.."  
  
* Why do you wanna raise these walls?  
  
I don't know the meaning of hatred*  
  
"Why won't you tell me?" Trowa asked, raising his voice slightly from desperation, "You know I can't leave you!"  
  
Sobs sounded over the communications. They were muffled, as if the person emitting them were covering their face to end them.  
  
"I already hate myself." Quatre explained, "I couldn't bear you hating me too."  
  
The words stung Trowa. How could he ever hate Quatre? "I could never hate you," Trowa replied, "..Not for anything."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Hiiro brought his Gundam up behind Quatre's very, very slowly, so Quatre wouldn't notice. If he could just disable Sandrock, everything would be okay.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
End of Chapter  
  
Please review, if you have the time. Thanks for reading. 


	5. Flowers Fall

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter 5: Flowers Fall  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.  
  
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai- not much, but it may become more later. There will be no sex scenes whatsoever. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows  
  
  
  
"What kind of man places his life above all others?"  
  
*My brain gets blown away hearing words of lies  
  
I only want to hold your love*  
  
"You're lying!" Quatre's voice screamed through the sobs. "You don't know! No one could forgive me for this.. Not even you.."  
  
Trowa was growing desperate. Would nothing he said make a difference? "Nothing could make me hate you," Trowa repeated, "Nothing."  
  
"..Nothing?" Quatre's meek voice asked, sounding unsure and small.  
  
Feeling a bit comforted at the thought that he might actually get through to Quatre, Trowa continued. "Even if you tried your hardest to make me hate you, Quatre," he said soothingly, "I would still love you."  
  
* Stab the dolls filled with hate  
  
Wash yourself with their blood*  
  
  
  
Hiiro's timing was horrible. With Quatre distracted by Trowa's words, he shot a beam off at a control panel in Sandrock's arm, attempting to make it inactive. The shot was well aimed but it wasn't quick enough.  
  
Seeing it just in time, Quatre swerved to avoid the beam, letting it slightly graze Sandrock's shoulder. "Wh-what.." He asked with a voice full of melancholy surprise, "What are you trying to do?"  
  
"What are you trying to do?" Quatre repeated. "Are.. Are you trying to kill me?" He fell silent for a second before continuing, "Those who attack me are my enemy.. Are you my enemy?"  
  
A voice in Quatre's head began screaming at him and through him. His voice screamed the words formed by the entity in his mind. "I must destroy my enemy!"  
  
'With their blood you can paint a realm devoted to nothingness.' Something in the back of his mind said softly. 'When there is nothing, there is no sin.'  
  
* Drive into the raging current of time  
  
Swing your murderous weapon into the belly  
  
"the earth"*  
  
Again Quatre lost all sense of time, all sense of everything. Disorientation was as strong as the confusion and he could sort nothing out but one thing. He had to kill his enemy. It was his entire being, his reason for living, his reason for existing.  
  
Drawing his shortels (1), Quatre proceeded to slash them at Wing's middle. Hiiro barely avoided them, not expecting Quatre to actually attack him.  
  
"What are you doing?" Hiiro asked, dodging another strike.  
  
Quatre's deep, uneasy breaths were his only response.  
  
The fear in Trowa's chest seemed to triple as he remembered the last time Quatre had lost control of the Zero System. With a lack of control and conscience, Quatre was nearly unstoppable.  
  
Nearly.  
  
*Shout and start creating confusion  
  
Shed your blood for pleasure*  
  
"Stop it, Quatre!" Trowa yelled. "You're going to kill someone."  
  
"I will kill everything," Quatre replied, his voice sounding calm in an eerie, unnatural way, "To create a realm of nothingness."  
  
"Why?" Trowa asked, feeling his eyes burn with tears he'd never dare to shed.  
  
Sandrock went still. "Why?" Quatre's voice repeated. "Why?"  
  
"Yes." Trowa said, forcing his voice to sound unafraid though God knew he was so scared he wanted to bury his face in a pillow and wait for it to end. But the real fear came from knowing what would happen if he did wait. If he let what would be, be. "Why do you want to destroy everything?"  
  
There was a silence as Quatre thought out his answer carefully. ".. Because.. 'When there is nothing, there is no sin'.."  
  
"But is the loss of sin, worth the loss of so many other things?" Trowa questioned.  
  
Another pause. When Quatre replied this time, his voice sounded so uncertain that it was almost a question. "Yes?"  
  
Sighing, Trowa rested his hand against the dark screen tiredly. "Is it worth losing love, Quatre?"  
  
".. I.. But.. It.. It wouldn't- " Quatre interrupted his mutterings with a blood-curdling scream.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Trowa inhaled sharply as a new edge was added to his fear. Quatre's scream echoed in his head over and over, making him lose his train of thought and think only of how to end his lover's suffering. The scream seemed like a bell tolling at the end of the world, warning everyone that they would soon be dead.  
  
The scream was of anguish and sorrow, but at the same time it reeked of horror. Something was scaring Quatre. Trowa wanted nothing more than to know what it was so he could help him overcome this fear.  
  
"STOP!" Quatre screamed. Sandrock began moving again in stiff, but quick, motions in directions that seemed completely irrational. "STOOOP!"  
  
One of the shortels was dropped and began floating eerily to Sandrock's side. The other was clutched tightly in its hand. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Quatre's sobbing came over the system. "Stop.." He offered weakly.  
  
"QUATRE!" Trowa screamed in response. "What's wrong?!"  
  
Swinging the shortel in Sandrock's hand as if it were a battle axe, Quatre plunged it into his Gundam's side. "STOP!"  
  
"QUATRE!"  
  
*And what? For love?  
  
What am I supposed to do? *  
  
"STOP!" Quatre screamed, plunging his shortel into Sandrock's side.  
  
Something was wrong. He couldn't stop himself from attacking Hiiro. His shortels had seemed to fly out on their own, intent on destroying Wing. He knew he could destroy Hiiro's Gundam. With this much confusion, Zero System was trying to make Sandrock kill everything within the universe.  
  
Quatre deserved to die anyway. With all the control he had left, he'd attempted to end his life. The self-destruct system wasn't quick enough. If he lost control again, it could easily be stopped.  
  
There was a sharp pain in his head as it slammed against the controls. He was scarcely aware of Trowa screaming his name.  
  
'I'm sorry, Trowa,' Quatre said quickly in his confused mind, 'I don't know what to do.. But if I die, I can save those I love from myself.'  
  
* I believe in the madness called "Now"  
  
Past and future prison my heart*  
  
  
  
Everything grew hazy and soon, all that remained was darkness.  
  
'What are you going to do, Quatre?' A voice asked, 'Kill yourself? You're more of a coward than I thought.'  
  
'Do you remember what you did? Do you remember why you are eternally damned to a Hell of your own making?'  
  
'Do you know what lies in your future? Do you know where you're headed?'  
  
'Ride your broken stallion to the depths of Hell. You could use a little warmth.'  
  
"QUATRE!"  
  
*Time is blind  
  
But I wanna trace my love  
  
On the wall of time, over pain in my heart *  
  
Uncertain of what to do, how to save his love, Trowa did the first thing that came to mind. He pulled the shortel out of Sandrock, hoping with all his heart that its pilot would be all right.  
  
"QUATRE!" he screamed again. "Damn it! Answer me!"  
  
"Quatre?" Duo tried. "Are you okay?"  
  
Suddenly, there was nothing. If Quatre was dead, then there was nothing in the world. There was no reason to breathe, to wake up in the morning. There were no memories. There was no more time, no more sense of the world. All that was left was a fleeting feeling of endless love.  
  
"Nh.." Trowa's heart skipped a beat as he heard Quatre's weak groan.  
  
* Art of life  
  
Insane blade stabbing dreams  
  
Try to break all truth now*  
  
Later, Quatre wouldn't be able to recall any detail of this horrific dream. He wouldn't understand why he came to in tears. Why he had a sense of loss and fear. He wouldn't be able to recall why he was so upset when he awoke.  
  
He saw his hand, but something was different about it. Instead of being its usually pale color, the skin on Quatre's hand had been dyed red by blood and in it, there was a shining knife.  
  
"No.." Quatre said quietly.  
  
The room was covered in corpses. There was a dead body to match everyone he'd ever met. His father, Rashid, Sally Po..  
  
And Trowa.  
  
"NO!"  
  
Beside him was the soldier. The one who had began all of this. He was the reason that everything had fallen out of place. It was him.  
  
"Look what you've done," The soldier grinned, "You've killed everyone but yourself. Not a realm devoted to nothingness, but one dedicated to yourself."  
  
'That's right,' Quatre reminded himself, 'I'm a selfish, unworthy person. But this dream is inaccurate. I've only killed myself.'  
  
It was somehow reassuring and yet..  
  
Trowa..  
  
*But I can't heal this broken heart in pain  
  
Cannot start to live, Cannot end my life  
  
Keep on crying*  
  
"QUATRE!"  
  
Quatre lurched into consciousness, knocking his head against the screen again. "Trowa?"  
  
* * *  
  
Trowa would've given anything to be in the cockpit with Quatre at that moment. To hold the gentle blonde in his arms and tell him everything would be all right. To comfort him and yell at him for even thinking of ending his precious, precious life.  
  
But even as he wished, he couldn't do anything but speak to Quatre from a distance. "Just stay there. We'll take you back."  
  
"No.. you can't.." Quatre's voice replied.  
  
Squeezing his hand into a tight fist, Trowa slammed it against the roof of Heavy Arms. "Damn it, Quatre! You have to come back."  
  
Quatre moaned, his voice full of pain, probably from the impact of the shortel entering Sandrock. "I'll just kill you.. Like I killed him.. There wasn't anything else to do but I.. I can't live with that."  
  
"But I can't leave you, Trowa. I can't leave you.."  
  
Quatre's sobs echoed over the communicators. "I don't know what to do!"  
  
'They took her to the cemetery in a black ol' Cadillac,' the memory said in a sing-song voice, 'They took her to the cemetery but they did not bring her back.'  
  
End of Chapter  
  
Please review, if you have the time.  
  
(1) The shortels are those sword-ish weapons Sandrock uses. 


	6. Dolls

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter 6: Dolls  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.  
  
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai- not much, but it may become more later. Somewhat confusing at the beginning but everything will be explained later on.  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace. bows  
  
  
  
*Close my eyes  
  
Time breathes I can hear  
  
All love and sadness  
  
melt in my heart*  
  
"I don't know what to do!" Quatre sobbed over the communications system. "Tell me what to do, Trowa!"  
  
Taking a deep breath, Trowa wracked his brain for the appropriate response. He wanted so much to tell his blonde love that he needed to come back to the safehouse with him. He wanted to tell him it was what he should do. But even as he thought this, Trowa knew that it would be unacceptable.  
  
"I don't know what you should do," Trowa said quietly, reminding himself over and over that he needed to tell him the truth. The brutal truth that could set him free to a world more Hellish than the nightmare he was living, "No one is supposed to know what they are meant to do."  
  
"Why?" Quatre asked softly, "Why can't we know the meaning of our lives?"  
  
"Because everything would be predictable," Trowa explained, "Not knowing is what makes us human."  
  
* Dry my tears  
  
Wipe my bloody face  
  
I wanna feel me living my life  
  
outside my walls*  
  
Quatre's breathing was deep and hard, as if something were stuck in his throat, making the process difficult. "I need to find out by myself? What I'm meant to do?"  
  
"Yes, Quatre. And I'll be there to help you along the way. Everything will be fine."  
  
Nodding, Quatre rested his head against the shattered screen. Halfheartedly, he wiped away some blood from his head that had slid into his eye. "I want to go home," he whispered, "Wherever that is."  
  
'Home is where the heart is.' The old proverb glided through his mind, repeating itself over and over again. 'Home is where the heart is. Home is where the heart is. Home is-'  
  
'But Quatre, you are a heartless monster. If this statement is true, then you will never have a home. You will never have a home, you monster.'  
  
Thoughts raced through his head and it began to pound in pain.  
  
"Let's go home, Quatre." Trowa's voice said softly over the communications.  
  
"No.. I can't go.. I want to go home.. But I don't have a home.."  
  
* You can't draw a picture of yesterday, so  
  
You're painting your heart with your blood*  
  
"I don't have a home." Quatre repeated.  
  
Trowa's heart sank. "You do have a home, Quatre. The safehouse is your home."  
  
"A heartless beast cannot have a home."  
  
Wincing at these words, Trowa put his head in his hands. He couldn't understand it. How could Quatre possibly think that he was 'heartless'? Quatre, who loved everyone and everything. Who had spent countless nights crying over men he'd killed in battle. Quatre, an empath, thought that he was heartless.  
  
"You aren't heartless." Trowa snapped, growing annoyed at Quatre's lack of self-worth.  
  
"I don't remember a home," Quatre said quietly, "Only pain and sadness. And being without compassion. I am a monster." He said the last sentence with so much anger that Trowa was sure he'd lose control again.  
  
Quatre sighed deeply and continued, "Maybe if I die, I can learn what a heart really is. Maybe that is what I am meant to do."  
  
*You can't say "No"  
  
Only turning the wheel of time  
  
with a rope around your neck*  
  
"Do you want to die, Quatre?" Trowa asked. "Is all of this really because you want to die?"  
  
Quatre took a deep breath. He wanted nothing more than for this to all be over with. He just wanted to close his eyes and let the world disappear into a pitch darkness. Did that mean he wanted to die? Had he been deceiving himself with false memories? It was so hard to think, Quatre couldn't be sure of anything. "I don't know." He said quietly.  
  
'Yes, you do, Quatre,' the voice said, interrupting his thoughts yet again, 'You know exactly what you want, you selfish bastard. Hang yourself and be done with it!'  
  
"I don't want to die," Quatre argued with the entity, "But. I can't live like this!"  
  
*You build a wall of morality and take a breath  
  
from between the bricks*  
  
Trowa grew more confused as he listened to Quatre battle himself. Every moment Quatre seemed to lose more of himself. The innocent and beautiful person was being lost to the zero system and a memory that he couldn't allow himself to forget. A memory he would never allow himself to share. He'd rather die than share.  
  
"I thought you believed every living thing had a right to live." Trowa commented.  
  
Quatre was silent on the other end for around 30 seconds before replying. "Yes.."  
  
Sighing, Trowa wiped away a stray tear that had somehow escaped from its verdant prison. "You can't die Quatre.. You said it yourself.. You have a right to live. No matter what you've done you still have a right to live."  
  
"Trowa," Quatre answered, his voice making him sound like someone else entirely, "Can you really call this living?"  
  
"Anything with a heartbeat is alive!" Trowa shouted, letting his anger get the better of him. As soon as he said it, he regretted his words.  
  
On the other end of the conversation, Quatre laughed slightly. "I've already told you, Trowa. I don't have a heart."  
  
"Quatre, how can you say that?!" Trowa questioned.  
  
"I.. I.." Quatre's breathing quickened and he began to hyperventilate. "I..I.." His voice fell short and all that could be heard from Quatre's end was the smack of his head hitting the screen again.  
  
"Quatre?" Trowa began to panic and curse himself for getting angry. "Quatre?.. Quatre!?"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
* You make up imaginary enemies and are chased by them  
  
You're trying to commit suicide*  
  
Sandrock jolted back to life, grabbing his discarded shortel from its side. Its movements were smoother than usual, as if it were gliding through space. It was more graceful than before. Quicker too.  
  
"Shit!" Duo swore, his voice echoing over the communications device.  
  
Trowa jumped in surprise. He'd forgotten the other pilots were even here. They'd been so quiet throughout it all. 'Maybe,' Trowa thought, 'Maybe they think that I know what to do.. More than them anyway.. Then again, maybe I do..'  
  
"He's losing all control over the Zero System." Hiiro explained, with the slightest hint of alarm in his voice.  
  
Quatre continued to scream. "NOOOOOOO! STOP! DAMN IT!" With his last sentence of profanity, Quatre's screaming came to an end.  
  
"You don't think he'll attack us..?" Duo asked, sounded a bit worried.  
  
"Without emotion, Quatre's mind works like a super-computer. If the Zero System tells him that we are an enemy, he'll attack and most likely destroy us," Wufei explained, "This is why war has no place for compassion."  
  
"I don't think we're the enemy." Trowa said softly, watching Quatre's Gundam swim through the blackness of space.  
  
Sandrock was slashing his shortel over and over again at what appeared to be nothing. A series of complex attacks with almost impossible movements showed the weapon piercing and destroying a space of nothingness over and over again.  
  
"What's he doing?" Duo asked.  
  
Trowa rested his head in his hands and spoke his answer carefully. "He's fighting himself."  
  
* * *  
  
The boy.. Who was he? He seemed so familiar and yet.. He couldn't quite be placed.  
  
His personality was so predictable. His movements must have been planned days in advance. Perhaps this was all part of a choreographed dance called "life".  
  
He swayed back and forth as though drunk or sick. But he was sitting down.. None of it made sense.  
  
There was a deep gash on his forehead, dying his hair red. The redness of blood, not only his own, but of those he'd killed. Let him die from the wounds he'd inflicted on others. Let him feel not only the joy of wielding the knife, but the pain from being stabbed with it.  
  
Everything inside of his frail body was exposed for all to see. His heart was swelling, growing bigger and bigger. He clutched his chest in pain. Without warning it exploded and was gone.  
  
The boy seemed both relieved and afraid. What to do with this new power? How would he survive without the old power?  
  
In the long run, had he lost or gained something?  
  
If he wanted, could he get his heart back? Was there any way to return to the way he used to be? Could the memories of the present disappear and leave only the past to be remembered?  
  
And if not, why?  
  
Nothing made sense any more. The pain was gone, but instead there was an emptiness, a lack of existence. A part of him was gone with the pain. Perhaps existence was pain. To exist one must live through eternal suffering.  
  
But then, why live at all? What was the point of it all?  
  
Why?  
  
Why not let it all end?  
  
* You're satisfied with your prologue  
  
Now you're painting your first chapter black*  
  
Trowa remembered what is was like before Quatre had begun this endless cycle of self-hatred. There used to be long walks, where they could talk. Trowa had never said much, as was his nature, but Quatre would sometimes get him to open up. It helped him deal with pains when Quatre was there to share them, to help him vanquish them. Quatre had always been there for him.  
  
Never once could Trowa recall Quatre asking for anything. Quatre gave everything he had and was happy with what little he got in return.  
  
Quatre had never told Trowa any of his problems. He'd return to from a mission bleeding and bruised and never speak a word of it. He'd leave the safehouse to go to a nearby park, where he could do his crying alone. Never once had he wanted to be an inconvenience.  
  
When the troubles began, Quatre had become more dependent on Trowa. At first it was a good change. He'd opened up to Trowa and told him everything that troubled him and took comfort in Trowa's arms. Trowa held him all night, stroking his hair softly.  
  
Soon it became every night. The talking ceased and all that remained were Quatre's endless sobs. He'd come home with countless cuts and never explain them.  
  
Although Trowa was concerned about them, he respected Quatre's privacy. He'd never asked what Quatre didn't want to tell. He'd remained faithful and tried with all his might to end Quatre's suffering. No matter how much he wanted to kill whoever hurt his lover.  
  
It only occurred to him now that Quatre might have been hurting himself.  
  
Hurting himself as he was doing now.  
  
End of Chapter  
  
Please review, if you have the time.  
  
Sorry for the long waits. I've actually been working on my own book for once. I'll try to set it aside. I apologize for keeping you waiting. 


	7. Blind

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter 7: Blind  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.  
  
Warning: Major angst. Some shounen ai but not much. It may become more later. Fairly confusing to begin with but it should make sense by the end.  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace bows.  
  
*You are putting the scraps of life together  
  
and trying to make an asylum for yourself*  
  
What life there was, must cease to exist. Within this boy who was unsure of his existence. This boy who tried to kill himself and tried to keep himself from killing others. There was something within him, besides his heart, something contemptuous. This being that laughed as it gnawed at the boy's heart and felt delight in his pain.  
  
His life must end. His existence must be questioned to the point of realization. The realization that living a half-alive existence was not truly living at all.  
  
When one depended only on themselves, even with a lover to go home to, they could not truly be alive.  
  
'Little boy, do you understand now? Do you understand what it is you are meant to do? You have such crimson hands. How long must you keep them beneath a faucet before the blood washes away?'  
  
'Why do you punish yourself for that which you know you must have done? Why can't you understand what you really need to do? You are losing all sense of reality and surrendering to the pain around you.'  
  
'Can't you remember what it is like within your beloved's arms? Having you noticed the tears of the ones you care about? The tears, not on their face, not born from the eyes, but the tears of a soul in torment. Are you really so blind that you haven't noticed?'  
  
'Or are you afraid?'  
  
'He must be afraid, the child.'  
  
'He's half-dead already. He can't even move. I'm not sure he can even think anymore.'  
  
'But is he capable of loving?'  
  
'Of course. With all his being he loves.'  
  
'Which is why he is not entirely dead.'  
  
*You're hitting a bell at the edge of the stage  
  
and  
  
You are trying to kill me*  
  
The voices were growing louder. There were so many of them, and all sounded so familiar. But no matter how hard he tried, Quatre could not place them. As loud as they were, he could not physically hear them. It was almost to the point of driving him insane.  
  
Then again, wasn't he already insane?  
  
'What am I doing?' Quatre asked, 'I can't see anything. Is that me? Am I the one holding the knife? Are my hands those pale hands covered in blood? Is that me?.... Is that me?....'  
  
His eyes were closed and yet, Quatre could see everything. He could see the pilots watching him as he slashed around madly, flailing with his shortels. He could see the concern on their faces and the horror in their hearts.  
  
On the Earth, he could see a little girl playing with a ball. She bounced against the wall and laughed as it came back to her. 'Mama says that my ball is loyal,' the girl thought, 'It just keeps coming back. She says it's not like daddy. 'Cause he's never coming back.' She bounced the ball again, but did not giggle at its return.  
  
Somewhere in an alley, a woman was crying softly and leaning against the cold brick wall of one of the surrounding buildings. She wringed her wrists helplessly and tried in vain to wash some of the blood off of her forehead. It had been too long and she could no longer feel the pain of the shot. The only thing she was thinking about was how much money she'd been carrying and how much she'd loved that purse.  
  
Quatre was like a lightning rod, bringing all of the sadness and anger in the world together. He took it all in like oxygen. Only this was far harder to breathe.  
  
"Why are you doing this?" He asked the entity, quietly.  
  
'You know perfectly well.'  
  
"I don't want to die."  
  
'Yes, you do.'  
  
"Only because you are making it impossible to live.'  
  
'It isn't me, it's you. The only thing bringing you this pain is your own self-righteousness and those people out there.'  
  
"I don't want to die."  
  
'It doesn't matter any more.'  
  
*I believe in the madness called "Now"  
  
Time goes flowing, breaking my heart*  
  
It was almost impossible to breathe. Trowa found himself holding his breath every few minutes and had to remind himself to take a breath. He was spending so much time watching Quatre in silent horror, praying to whoever might listen that his love would be alright.  
  
Once again, Sandrock had fallen silent. It'd finally stopped thrashing about as if trying to pull its own parts off. As if the machine itself could feel Quatre's pain and wished to end it for its kind pilot.  
  
No wonder Quatre was feeling so alone. Even his Gundam wanted him to die.  
  
Or maybe it was because no one had taken the time to help him. Although everyone had seen Quatre in pain, seen him try to hide it behind his caring smile, they had done nothing. Of course they'd asked him what was wrong and tried as hard as they could to get him to open up, they hadn't tried hard enough.  
  
Quatre deserved better.  
  
Every moment was unbearable. It was an insane universe of a nameless emotion. The emotion passed depression that caused people to commit suicide or commit mass murders. An emotion that enveloped the mind and soul and created a new person altogether.  
  
No one can control someone other than themselves. Therefore, stopping this evil was impossible. You'd just have to sit back and pray you'd kill yourself soon, before someone else got hurt.  
  
Quatre deserved better.  
  
And then, time rushed towards Trowa and every minute gone by felt like less than a second. All of the words jumbled together and he felt so slow. Which was exactly what he was, too slow. He was too slow to help his beloved. Too slow to help him before things got so bad.  
  
Quatre deserved better.  
  
*Wanna live  
  
Can't let my heart kill myself  
  
Still I haven't found what I'm looking for*  
  
There was something else. Quatre could almost touch it now. There was something he was forgetting. Something had been left out, but it must be remembered. It had to be remembered.  
  
"Don't die," Quatre told himself, "You have to remember."  
  
'It's too late. You've waited too long to save yourself now.'  
  
"There's a reason you're living. You have to remember why." He continued.  
  
'Try as you might, it will make no difference. You've already delivered the death blow to your heart.'  
  
"I thought you said I didn't have a heart."  
  
*Art of life  
  
I try to stop myself  
  
But my heart goes to destroy the truth*  
  
'Of course you have a physical heart. But what the world 'heart' means has been forgotten to you. That it represents love is completely irrelevant as far as you're concerned. You think of it merely as another body part. Something that is used only for pumping blood through your useless veins.'  
  
"But I have a heart."  
  
'No, you don't!'  
  
"It doesn't matter if I am a monster then. Even a monster has a soul. Even a monster bleeds and loves."  
  
'YOU ARE HEARTLESS!'  
  
"Even if you are 'me", you are the monster in me."  
  
'I am a part of you as much as you are a part of me! But I am far stronger than you are, you frail child!'  
  
"Why are you alone now?"  
  
'Stop lying to yourself!'  
  
*Tell me why  
  
I want the meaning of my life  
  
Do I try to live, Do I try to love  
  
In my dream*  
  
"Tell me what it is I have forgotten." Quatre asked the voice.  
  
'There is nothing but what you now see.'  
  
"Why do I live? What is the reason that I have forgotten? What is the meaning of my life?"  
  
The other person was silent for a moment. When it answered, it no longer sounded in control, but more like it was giving up. 'Do you want to be here?'  
  
"No."  
  
'You could learn to love here. You could live here with me.'  
  
"This isn't real."  
  
'It seems real to me.'  
  
"I couldn't truly live here."  
  
'Why?'  
  
"It isn't real."  
  
'What is real?'  
  
"That's what I will find out."  
  
'..Leave then..'  
  
"I will."  
  
'But you will never be free. You will never know the meaning of your life, unless you learn it from me.'  
  
"You're going to tell me."  
  
'Perhaps I am.'  
  
End of Chapter  
  
This part of the song is followed by Yoshiki's beautiful piano solo. I thought it should be noted because it is a wonderful part of the song.  
  
Please review if you have the time. 


	8. What I'm Looking For

Desert Rose (Unbeta-ed version)  
  
Chapter 8: What I'm Looking For  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.  
  
Warning: Major angst. More shounen ai than before, but still not much. It may become more in the next few chaptres. Fairly confusing but now it should begin to make sense.  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Hide. Rest in peace bows.  
  
* I'm breaking the wall inside my heart  
  
I just wanna let my emotions get out*  
  
Something inside of Quatre's chest seemed to burn in a strange but comforting sensation. It was like the feeling of having a present and knowing you could not open it until another day. A strange sensation of knowing you will soon be the happiest person you are able to be and the anticipation of the moment before.  
  
'Are you sure this isn't real enough for you?'  
  
Something in the tone that the voice now used caused Quatre to hesitate. Was he sure? Did he in fact know if where he was going was the true world? Would the truth set him free to a Hellish world of dark specters and pain? Or would he be set forth into a place untainted by the faults of humanity? Was it worth the risk?  
  
'No one can ever be completely sure..'  
  
'Then you can know reality.'  
  
Suddenly, Quatre was crying, laughing, dreaming, hating, fearing, loving, cursing, smiling and frowning all at once. The emotions he had so long suppressed came out in a wave of weakness or, possibly, strength.  
  
It came with a wave of revelation.  
  
* Nobody can stop  
  
I'm running to freedom  
  
No matter how you try to hold me in your world*  
  
"I've told you," Koe, the voice, said, gaining reality and a name, "Do you really need to leave now? You could stay here.. with me.."  
  
"I have to leave you," Quatre explained, "You need to go home now."  
  
Koe reached his translucent hand out and attempted to caress Quatre's face but without a true form, he was unable to touch Quatre's existence. "But I can't leave. Without a body.. Without really being here.. How can I have a place to call my home?"  
  
Smiling kindly, Quatre took Koe's hand in his own, able to see the unreal and accept it for what it truly was. "You need to leave this world. This isn't where you are meant to be."  
  
"I have to redeem myself."  
  
"You've done enough."  
  
"I can't allow you to forgive me yet."  
  
"I have every reason to forgive you."  
  
"I don't want to leave.. I don't want to leave...you.. You should stay with me.. Forever."  
  
* Like a doll carried by the flow of time  
  
I sacrificed the present moment for the future*  
  
"Why won't you let me hate you?" Koe asked, "It would be much easier if you'd just let me hate you!"  
  
For a moment, Quatre fell silent, as if pondering over the correct response. "Why don't you hate me? I'm not keeping you from-"  
  
"Of course you are!" Koe screamed, "How can anyone keep themselves from loving you?! I tried to hate you! I tried hating so hard that you ended up hating yourself through my efforts! You hurt yourself through my rage and were temporarily unable to show true love because of my jealousy!"  
  
"J-jealousy?"  
  
"In one sentence you stole my life away! You made all over loves seem insignificant and the next moment I was gone because of my own foolish pride! Even in this world I continued to love you and hate myself for it but you.. You continued to love him.."  
  
"What are you-"  
  
"It isn't too hard to understand why you would choose him. I'm merely a voice in your head, aren't I? A figment of your imagination created by past events. That's what you think I am, isn't it? Just because I'm dead you think I'm unworthy of your heart, your undivided heart! I want your love and no one else can share it!"  
  
"W-what?"  
  
"Damn it! Why couldn't you kill them? You couldn't kill any of them, could you? Even as a medium for my jealousy and feigned hatred you were unable to bring yourself to kill them. You could have at least killed him. That would have been enough.."  
  
"I.."  
  
"It takes more than one person to drive a man insane, Quatre. Did you really think that you'd brought this upon yourself?"  
  
".."  
  
* I was in chains of memory half-blinded  
  
Losing my heart, walking in the sea of dreams*  
  
"You remembered me, Quatre," Koe continued, "but it wasn't enough. You remember everyone you are forced kill in battle. I don't want to be just another face you spend sleepless nights mourning over! Why couldn't you mourn me as you would mourn a lost lover? Why am I so unworthy of your love?  
  
"I asked myself this time and time again and finally came to one conclusion. It had to be him. The ones you love. The one you love.. With him.. Them.. I was insignificant..  
  
"Did you never realize that no one wanted to hurt you? When you're calm, kind voice came over the communications asking me to surrender, didn't you realize that that was precisely what I wanted to do? I wanted to throw my weapon down and say, 'I surrender'. Didn't you realize that I had actually surrendered in soul? I'd surrendered my heart to you, Quatre. I couldn't do anything else!  
  
"But I had orders. It was the hardest decision of my life. To chose between my new found love and duty. I wanted to join you Quatre! I wanted to join you in fighting against my comrades, against all odds! But the chances of you winning were so slim.. I couldn't throw my life.. My family away.. Just because I thought I'd fallen in love with you!  
  
"So I convinced myself that you were a fraud. I convinced myself that you were trying to make me love you so that you could easily defeat me. I tried to hate you! And as I attacked you and you in turn, destroyed me, I screamed at you. Didn't you hear my words as I was dying?  
  
'I don't want to die'  
  
'I want to see the cherry blossoms of spring again'  
  
'What gives you the right to live? The right to kill me, so you can live? I'm a person too. I have a family, a home, a life. or.. I did. Not anymore'  
  
'Selfish, that's what you all are! You think you're the only people in the world. That people like me don't count. We're just like a sandcastle on a beach. You push us with the waves of your hatred until finally we come crashing down and wash away. Selfish'  
  
'You know what the saddest part is? When I'm dead you'll go home and brag to your friends. 'Yeah,' you'll say, 'I killed a man today''  
  
'I can't die like this.. I don't want to die'  
  
"Do you remember, Quatre?"  
  
End of Chapter  
  
Do you remember? Look back at Desert Rose Chapters 1-3 and make the connection ^.~ This took a lot of planning, so I hope you enjoyed it.  
  
Please review, if you have the time ^_^.  
  
2-3 chapters left! 


	9. Outside My Mind

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter 9: Outside My Mind  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.  
  
Warning: Extreme angst. This chapter may have the most angst yet. More shounen ai than before, but only through emotion. It may become more in the next few chapters. Perhaps it makes sense now?  
  
Dedication: This is still dedicated to Hide. Forever love. bows  
  
*Close my eyes  
  
Rose breathes I can hear  
  
All love and sadness melt in my heart*  
  
Squeezing his eyes closed as tight as possible, Quatre tried in vain to stop his tears from coming once again. He attempted to slow his breathing but as hard as he tried to hide them, the sobs made themselves free anyway. All encircling space blurred into a spiral of colors.  
  
"Do you remember, Quatre?"  
  
Although he could no longer distinguish anything specific around him, Quatre knew that it was Koe speaking to him. His voice had gone softer, but seemed on the verge of cracking. Subconsciously, Quatre wondered how long Koe would be able to hold in his own tears.  
  
"Of course I do," Quatre's unsteady voice replied, "Because I tried so hard to forget."  
  
"You shouldn't forget, Quatre. These events have become a part of you, whether you wish them to be or not. Though you may think they are weakening you and making you a lesser person, they are actually making you stronger. Living through pain and regret helps you to see the future more clearly."  
  
Quatre could sense Koe's arms around him, trying to touch him, but all that he could feel was the coldness of a being not meant to be in the world of the living. But there was something else. Something beyond physical impression. There was an emotion enveloping him that was unlike any he'd ever felt before. It was an emotion he himself had never experienced.  
  
Jealousy.  
  
Koe's entire existence was consumed this negative emotion. It seemed to be what was driving him to remain real. Without this emotion there was almost nothing. There was only one more thing keeping him from fading into a world of nihility. Revenge.  
  
Vengeance powered his soul like a fire of passion. It burned him and threw him onward. It brought strength to continue, even through death. Nothing would stop him from completing this mission, Quatre was sure of this. This specter would continue on until it had concluded its one last objective.  
  
Hadn't Koe mentioned jealousy? Jealousy to the point of wanting reprisal?  
  
'But who was he jealous of?' In his state of mind, Quatre couldn't remember who it was. In fact, there wasn't much he could remember any more.  
  
"You're growing cold, Quatre," Koe said, his voice sounding like a faint breeze brushing against a flower, "Does this mean you wish to join me?"  
  
*Dry my tears  
  
Wipe my bloody face  
  
I wanna feel me living my life  
  
outside my mind*  
  
'No,' Quatre realized, 'There's something else.' Digging further into the essence of Koe's being, Quatre found what he had feared.  
  
Lust, anger, recklessness, someone who knew what they wanted and would do anything to get it. And, as far as Quatre could tell, there was only one thing that this man wanted. Upon learning, he pulled himself out from within Koe's metaphysical arms. "Why are you doing this?" Quatre asked, stepping to the back of his cockpit, away from Koe.  
  
For a moment, Koe seemed surprised and somewhat insulted but as it passed, his expression changed to one of hurt. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Why?" Quatre questioned a second time, "Why are you trying to use me?"  
  
This time, Koe's emotions were as clear as the garments he wore. Rage and lust surfaced and what he had promised was love showed its true colors. However, his voice remained calm and still, not matching his expression or his outraged air. "Only for a few minutes and then it will be all over. I'm not trying to use you for my own purposes. You know this isn't where you belong."  
  
"No!" Quatre cried in protest, "You can't do that!"  
  
A sinister smile came to Koe's lips and he shook his head mockingly. "Of course I can. You know you'll let me, Quatre. Only an empath could lose them in an emotion. Through my emotions, you will do exactly what I want. I only wish I'd still been alive when I realized this."  
  
"No!" Quatre screamed, backing away even further so that his back was pressed against the escape latch, "You.You can't!"  
  
"It's for love, Quatre. You know you'll let me."  
  
"Never!"  
  
"Isn't the guilt already beginning to swell in your chest?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"I know it is."  
  
"I'm stronger than you!"  
  
*Dreams can make me mad  
  
I can't leave my dream  
  
I can't stop myself*  
  
  
  
Trowa listened intensely as his lover continued to speak to the man who had somehow gotten into the cockpit with him. His eyed glistened with tears but his face remained untouched by the liquid of his soul. A smile came to his lips as he heard the next words Quatre uttered.  
  
"I'm stronger than you!"  
  
"You are, Quatre," Trowa whispered with pride, although he was the only one who could hear himself anyway, "You're stronger than anyone. Remember that and you will be fine. I'm waiting for you."  
  
He continued to listen as their argument continued.  
  
".." The voice didn't seem to know how to react to Quatre's show of strength and so remained silent until the response came to him, "You don't believe that. I will always be stronger than you because you will never accept yourself."  
  
"You're wrong," Quatre replied, "You aren't real."  
  
"I'm as real as you make me to be, Quatre. As long as you remember me, as long as you can see or hear me, I will be as real as you are. With your belief, I can take a physical form. You touched me, Quatre. That makes me real."  
  
"I won't let you do this."  
  
"Are you listening?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Not you. Are you listening, one who has gained this boy's love?"  
  
Trowa's heart pounded double time in his chest and then seemed to stop completely. Why would the voice be speaking to him? Unless..  
  
"No!" Trowa tried, "Don't!"  
  
Quatre's voice answered a confused and stuttered word. "What?"  
  
There was the sound of his voice slamming against the wall and his breathing quickening. "What are you doing?" Quatre asked meekly.  
  
"You better come quickly, unworthy one, or I will take your lover with me to the next world."  
  
Literally hearing his heart pounding in his head, Trowa began to pull on his spacesuit as fast as possible. He could hear Quatre gasping for air and feel his fear and confusion.  
  
"Trowa," He squeaked, "Don't come.."  
  
But Trowa was already on his way.  
  
End of Chapter  
  
Hn.. I'd say still about 2 or three chapters left. I didn't get very far in the lyrics this chapter. Hope you enjoyed. 


	10. The Meaning of My Life

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter 10: The Meaning of My Life  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.  
  
Warning: Extreme angst. This chapter may have the most angst yet..even more than the last chapter. More shounen ai than before, but only through emotion and words. It may become more in the next few chapters. Perhaps it makes sense now? Please note that this fanfiction is rated R and this chapter may show more of why.  
  
Dedication: This is still dedicated to Hide. Forever love. bows  
  
  
  
*Don't know what I am  
  
What lies are truth?  
  
What truths are lies?*  
  
"Trowa," Quatre squeaked, "Don't come.."  
  
Ignoring his lover's pleas, Trowa finished dressing himself in the spacesuit by putting on the helmet. "I'm coming, Quatre."  
  
"Please don-AHHHHHHHH!" Quatre's words were cut off by a high-pitched scream of pain. "STOP IT! NOOOOO!" His cries were followed by hysterical sobs and uncomprehendable mutters that only one in such a position could produce.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
It burned hotter than any fire Quatre had ever felt. Koe's cold, unreal hands touched Quatre's chest only lightly, and yet it bled profusely. His shirt lay off to one side, ripped in Koe's haste to remove it.  
  
Koe's hands worked around Quatre's chest like a masseuse's, carefully rubbing up and down. He seemed to be writing something. Or maybe making some kind of symbol. Through the pain, Quatre was unable to understand what it was. But he could feel his soul slipping away and the blood seep over the entire surface of his chest before dripping to the puddle it had formed on the ground.  
  
Quatre was vaguely aware that he was saying something, but couldn't understand the words he produced. He didn't want to understand. He just wanted it to end so that he would be sure the pain had stopped.  
  
Koe was smiling at him with the smile of a madman. Or perhaps one who had finally given in to their sadistic desire. His smile showed no teeth and seemed more like a sneer. "You are mine, Quatre." He said.  
  
It didn't make sense to Quatre that he could understand this and not his own words. But, then again, nothing made sense. "NOOOOOOO!" He heard himself scream.  
  
And then he couldn't see. His eyes were no longer able to look upon the world around him. But he could feel.. What? Someone was kissing him. Someone was pressing their lips against his so hard that they felt as if they would soon bleed.  
  
And then they were bleeding.  
  
'Trowa?' Quatre thought briefly. And then he realized who it really was, and the pain tripled.  
  
'This isn't real,' Quatre told himself, 'It's a lie..'  
  
'Stop thinking, Quatre,' Koe said, although it couldn't have been spoken. He must have thought it, and Quatre could now feel even his thoughts. 'You don't need to think of anything anymore. Let me do all of the thinking.'  
  
But Quatre couldn't stop thinking. 'I'm sorry, Trowa,' He cried, mentally, 'Please forgive me for my weakness..'  
  
*I believe in the madness called "Now"  
  
Time goes flowing, breaking my heart*  
  
It was cold. Trowa could feel the coldness of space through his suit as he made his way to Sandrock. He was so set on protecting Quatre that he hadn't even heard the other pilots yelling at him.  
  
He grabbed on to the hatch and hefted himself onto Sandrock's side, pulling at the door with all of his might. It opened relatively easily. The monster with Quatre must have unlocked it.  
  
And then Trowa was inside. His eyes widened as he saw the horror in front of him.  
  
There was blood.. Everywhere. Quatre was bleeding so much. Could anyone survive so much blood loss? "Quatre?" He asked, weakly.  
  
The man-like creature that was forcing Quatre against a wall, hurting him, taking advantage of his pain.. Stealing Quatre's lips, looked up at Trowa and smiled. "I knew you would come, lover boy."  
  
Dropping his hold on Quatre, he allowed the small blonde to fall to the ground and into his own blood. The creature began walking towards Trowa as Trowa's own anger began to grow. The clashing auras seemed to make the space even hotter and soon both of them began to sweat.  
  
'I have to get to Quatre,' Trowa thought, 'If I can just get past this..monster..'  
  
"You can't get past me," The monster said, with a widening grin, "He believes in me."  
  
Trowa looked past the monster to his fallen lover. Quatre's eyes were open but didn't seem to be seeing anything, as if he had gone blind. The deep red continued to spread around him, as if he were lying in a small lake full of red food coloring. "Let him go, you bastard."  
  
The monster seemed to move faster than anything Trowa had ever seen. In a flash, it was next to him, glaring into his eyes. "Perhaps YOU should let him go." Bringing up a fist, the monster threw it towards Trowa, with all of the confidence a person could have.  
  
But then again, it wasn't a person.  
  
And Trowa, strengthened by love and desperation, dodged the punch and ran to his lover's side. "Quatre," Trowa said gently, helping him up into a sitting position, "Are you all right."  
  
Quatre's eyes wandered up to Trowa's and he smiled gently. "Trowa.." His voice said so calmly that it disturbed Trowa, "I love you.." He buried his head in Trowa's chest and wrapped his weakened arms around him.  
  
Slightly taken aback by his words, or perhaps the fact that he was speaking at all, Trowa went stiff for a moment, before embracing Quatre with gentle arms. "It's all right," He said softly, "I won't let him hurt you anymore."  
  
The monster cackled with an insane and evil voice, "It doesn't matter. Even if I left him alone, he'd still die. Look at that blood. Do you think anyone could survive that much loss of blood? He'll die and then he'll be mine forever."  
  
Trowa could hear Quatre begin to whimper, and his grip tightened. "It's all right, Quatre. Everything will be fine."  
  
* Wanna live  
  
Can't let my heart kill myself  
  
Still I haven't found what I'm looking for *  
  
"Stay here, Quatre," Trowa said, brushing Quatre's face with his hand, "I'll be right back."  
  
"Don't go, Trowa!" Quatre pleaded, "He'll hurt you.."  
  
The monster looked at Quatre and grinned. "You're fading, my dear. Soon we can be together. You won't need this unworthy fool anymore. All you'll have is me. And you will respect me and love me, because there won't be anyone else."  
  
"Don't speak to Quatre!" Trowa snapped. Letting his anger grow greater, he walked to the monster with a death glare ten times stronger than any Hiiro had ever given. He positioned himself directly between Quatre and the monster. "You are going to leave Quatre alone."  
  
"Perhaps you should say that to yourself," The monster replied, walking towards Trowa to meet him, "You have caused him far more pain than I."  
  
"Quiet!" Trowa screamed.  
  
"Your lover is going to die," The monster said mockingly, a smirk firmly placed on his lips, "He's going to die like a dog and then come back with me to Hell. He'll have no need of you anymore."  
  
And then, Trowa was upon him, lashing out with all the strength he had. With hatred and pain, anger and sorrow. This creature would not get away with hurting Quatre. It would pay for touching Quatre, for causing him so much self-hatred, so much sorrow. If this was what had led Quatre to cause himself pain, this was what must die.  
  
It didn't matter if it was already dead. It didn't matter if the monster couldn't be hurt anymore. It sure as Hell was going to go away. With everything he had, Trowa believed this. And so, he continued to punch, kick and even bite.  
  
It was going to die.  
  
In his state of bloodlust, Trowa couldn't see, hear, or feel anything else. He didn't notice his own wounds. He couldn't hear Quatre's cries, the monster's taunts, or the other pilots screaming at him over the communication system. And he couldn't see the creature's mocking smile.  
  
Then again, the monster couldn't see Quatre's hope as it began to build. Nor did it notice his belief, his memories of the horrible past, fade.  
  
End of Chapter  
  
Hm. one or two chapters left. Probably one. Woo hoo! Almost done! ^_^ I hope you've enjoyed it so far.  
  
Oh, by the way, my Birthday's tomorrow so I'll be posting a new chapter of Be My Friend? If you feel inclined to send me a Birthday card (oh, hear the dreams of the foolishly hopeful) my e-mail's Kattie41@aol.com. I'd be super happy if I got even one card ^_^. 


	11. A Rose is Breathing Love

Desert Rose  
  
Chapter 11: A Rose is Breathing Love  
  
Kattie  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Art of Life" or Gundam Wing.  
  
Warning: Extreme angst. Some shounen ai, but nothing sexual. Violence, language, and material that may not be suitable for children under the age of 17, but you should be all right over 13 (in my opinion).  
  
Apology: I would like to apologize again for taking so long. Apparently I've had bronchitis for 2 weeks ^^* but I didn't want to go to the doctor 'cause I thought it was just a bad cold ^^*. Ehheh.. (perhaps I'm a bit of a loser?)  
  
Dedication: This fanfiction is dedicated to Hide. Every chapter. Forever Love, Hide. This is the Last Song.  
  
  
  
*Art of life  
  
I try to stop myself  
  
But my heart goes to destroy the truth*  
  
Everything was going by so quickly. The time that had seemed to stand still eternally began racing as though it had gotten a sudden adrenaline rush. Everything seemed to blur and become one. A distorted rainbow of the once clear world. A unity of everything in the universe.  
  
Everything that is, except Trowa.  
  
Trowa was still himself. Still the most beautiful person to ever exist. Even covered in blood from miscellaneous wounds, he was beautiful.  
  
There wasn't anything but Trowa. Quatre was beginning to become very sure of this. Nothing else held any significance, so it might as well not be at all. Nothing else had ever been or ever would be. The memories hadn't even existed. They were a figment of his imagination, which also held no reality.  
  
His nearly blind eyes looked towards where Koe would have been, but saw nothing but a black spot in the collage of brightness.  
  
'He isn't real..' Quatre thought, 'Just like the rest of the world.'  
  
As Trowa threw another punch at the blackness, his hand went straight through it. There was a loud noise as his fist connected with the ground.  
  
* Tell me why  
  
I want the meaning of my life  
  
Do I try to live? Do I try to love?*  
  
What was this monster? Trowa stared at it in horror and fascination as his hand passed through it. In his shock, Trowa didn't even notice the pain seer into his fingers as they hit the cold ground.  
  
"What.." Trowa began, before ending the sentence, unspoken.  
  
Strangely enough, the creature looked puzzled as well. He brought his hands up to his face and stared at them, through them. He then made a fist with his right hand and punched at Trowa's face. It went through without touching, like a ghost.  
  
His eyes widening, the monster looked over at Quatre. His yellow eyes filled with a terror and the previous amusement dissipated. "What are you doing?" He asked, a hint of panic in his voice.  
  
Quatre didn't seem to hear him. He just stared straight ahead with a face void of emotions. But his mouth was moving, whispering something to himself. Something that no one, perhaps not even he, could hear.  
  
"STOP IT!" The monster screamed as it began to fade even more. Screaming miscellaneous profanity, it raced across the room with the speed of a thousand Olympic sprinters. It formed its hand as if it were going to grab something and thrust it into Quatre's bloody chest.  
  
Nothing. Unlike before, it had no effect. No longer did he feel any pain.  
  
Looking up at the creature, Quatre smiled slightly. "You don't exist," He said firmly, "So why are you here?"  
  
Taking a step back in surprise, the monster stumbled over its own feet and fell to the ground. "Quatre.. You know that I exist! You created me, remember? You knew me! Don't you remember? I loved you!"  
  
Quatre shook his head, "I don't remember anything," He stated, "You aren't real."  
  
"I gave you those wounds on your chest!" The monster cried, "I brought fourth the blood upon your lips! You're going to die BECAUSE OF ME!"  
  
Bringing a finger to his chest, Quatre rubbed it into the blood and examined it. "I did this to myself," He explained, "You can't even touch me.. You couldn't hurt me."  
  
"QUATRE!" The creature screamed, panicking as it became almost completely transparent, "Don't kill me again! I don't want to die! Don't kill me!"  
  
Stumbling to his feet, Quatre looked straight at it, rubbing his bloody finger on his pants, "Why should you live?"  
  
"I LOVE YOU!" The monster screamed.  
  
"That's a lie."  
  
And then the monster, Koe, disappeared completely, joining the world of things that are not and can not be, screaming one last word at Quatre. A word that was completely unexpected.  
  
"SOOOORRRY!"  
  
* Art of life  
  
An Eternal Bleeding heart*  
  
With a small smile at the space that Koe had previously occupied, Quatre whispered, "Good bye..", and fell to the ground.  
  
"QUATRE!" Trowa screamed, throwing himself at the floor, next to his beloved. Taking Quatre into his arms, Trowa grabbed Quatre's wrist and began frantically taking his pulse. "Quatre? Quatre, are you okay?"  
  
Looking up into Trowa's eyes, Quatre allowed a stray tear to make its way down his face. "I'm sorry..Trowa."  
  
"Don't be sorry," Trowa replied, letting Quatre's hand fall back to his side, "You haven't done anything to apologize for."  
  
Quatre smiled sadly, as if trying to reassure Trowa that he was all right while knowing that he was not, "I let him become real."  
  
Brushing his hand through Quatre's blood-stained hair, Trowa shook his head, "No, Quatre. He controlled you. You have nothing to be sorry about."  
  
"No, Trowa," Quatre cast his gaze on the ground, "It was my fault. I allowed him to.. to become stronger. I wanted to be punished for all of my killings and so I created him. He could have just died but I.. I didn't let him."  
  
Ignoring this, Trowa ended the embrace and removed his shirt. "I need to wrap your chest, to stop the bleeding."  
  
Quatre sighed and looked at his beloved's face. "Trowa.. I don't think..There's no point.."  
  
* You never wanna breathe your last  
  
Wanna live  
  
Can't let my heart kill myself *  
  
"Don't say that!" Trowa snapped, wrapping his shirt around Quatre despite what he had said.  
  
"Trowa.." Quatre said, his voice trembling from the effort of speaking. "I'm..going to d-"  
  
"NO!" Trowa screamed, pulling Quatre into an embrace again. "You're going to be fine! You have to be.." Before Trowa knew it, he was sobbing.  
  
"T-trowa.." Quatre stuttered, "Please.. Please don't.."  
  
"Don't cry?" Trowa asked through his tears, "Is that what you're trying to say?"  
  
"I-"  
  
"Quatre," Trowa said, his voice sounding stern and angry, "Tell me you aren't going to die."  
  
"I.."  
  
"Quatre, you have to tell me this."  
  
".."  
  
"Please, Quatre.."  
  
"I.. I promise you, Trowa. I'll live.. For your sake."  
  
  
  
Epilogue- Two Weeks Later  
  
"Hello, Koe," Quatre said to the gravestone that lay directly in front of him on the too-green grass, "I just came to see how you were.."  
  
Quatre wore all black and carried a single white rose. He stood alone with the wind tousling his hair, blowing at the bandage tied around his head. He held a cane in one hand, supporting his pained body. His lips had long since healed.  
  
"I wanted to apologize," Quatre continued, "For everything. I'm sorry that I made you love me.. I didn't realize I had even.." He looked away, catching Trowa's eyes in the distance. "I hope you're in a better place. I'm sorry that.. I killed you. But I thought you should know that I never hated you. You must have thought I did, Koe, but I.. I didn't hate you."  
  
Setting the rose gently by the name "Koe Sonjiru Wasureru", Quatre stood up and smiled at Koe one last time. "Good bye."  
  
As he turned to walk away, he was sure he could feel a presence behind him but this time, he didn't look. He continued walking until he had reached Trowa, who took him into his arms for a moment, before walking him slowly to the car.  
  
Across the graveyard, the rose was lifted into a ghostly figure's hand. Koe smiled and smelled the flower. 'Thank you, Quatre,' He said quietly, 'But I never thought you hated me.. You could never hate anybody.' He watched Trowa and Quatre walk away for a moment, before sitting atop his gravestone and twirling the flower between to fingers. 'I'll always love you.'  
  
*Still I'm feeling for  
  
A Rose is breathing love  
  
in my life*  
  
The End  
  
And so ends "Art of Life", the 29 minutes of musical bliss by X-Japan. (hrm. Do you think I used enough references to their other songs in this chapter? ^^*) I hope you enjoyed my fanfiction ^_^. Please let me know if you would like me to write another chapter songfic.  
  
Forever Love, everyone! glomps 


End file.
